The specific objective of this website is to be a safe for souls website that advances Catholic thinking and education. When editing, please adhere to the Content Standards.
Some images have been enhanced for teaching purposes and may not be identical to the original artwork.
Parenting Tips
From The Work of God's Children
All parent-child relationships should be established on love, trust, and respect. It is important for parents to show their children unconditional love. The children should be loved for who they are, not what they do. If it is necessary to disapprove a certain behavior, ensure that it is the behavior that is given disapproval not the child. To establish trust in the child, it is important for parents to begin by responding to their infant as soon as possible. Infants have no concept of time, making any prolonged waiting seem like an eternity. Never do to your baby or child what you would not want done to you (this includes pinching, squeezing excessively - especially on the cheeks, spanking - even playfully, yelling, and shaking).
The goal of discipline is teaching, not controlling. Therefore, it is important to refrain from using threats, yelling, putting down, and physical discipline (such as spanking or swatting). The child should learn to make good decisions. This means that you should explain, as often as possible, how what you are requesting will benefit them.
It is often best to use principles instead of flat-out rules, as the goal is to teach children to think for themselves.
Parents should ask themselves a few questions, regarding their parenting:
- What kind of life do I want for my children?
- How will this affect what they wear?
- What do I intend to accomplish by parenting?
- On what principles will my parenting be based?
Contents[hide]
|
[edit] Principles
Principles internally motivate a person to do what is good and right. People develop principles by living with people with principles and seeing the real benefits of such a life.
Rules externally compel you - through force, threat, or punishment - to do what someone else has deemed good or right. People follow or break rules.
As parents, it is not better for one's children to comply with and follow rules, but rather for them to live their lives making choices that are good and right. It is difficult to think deeply about what one believes, but well worth the effort.
Principles can often be summed up in one word. Rules cannot. It is an important distinction. For instance a principle might be kindness. A rule is "Do not hit your sister." If there is a principle of kindness, there is no need for a rule that says "Do not hit." "Do not hit," only says "Do not hit." Kids do pick up that it does not say do not pinch, do not poke until she cries, do not pull hair, etc. As a child is helped to find better (kinder) tools to use to get what they want and their understanding of kindness grows, it is understood that anything that hurts someone is unkind so there is not a need to spell out every hurtful thing that kids are not allowed to do.
Rules control others; principles guide them. Hence, if there are rules, one does not have to think for oneself (ie., in a school setting - bell rings, stand up, move, sit down, write this, look here, look there). Jail, the military, and schools are all very rule bound. Principles, on other hand, are guides to respectful living, freedom, and openness. We can value completely different interpretations of the principles. Setting guidelines allows "any reasonable interpretation" of a broad guideline, rather than tying the organization up in knots with rule books.
It is easy to transform "rules" into something we call "principles" and then stop there. Rules often have their basis in a broader principle, and tracing our rules back to our own principles is the first step in the journey. However, if we then enforce those principles in the same authoritarian way we tried to enforce rules, then we really have not changed much, only done some mental gymnastics and made the principle more visible to our children, which enables them to more easily see the truth of it in the world. However, principles are internal, not external. Using force to implement them will only send us back to where we started. Using principles with arbitrary punishments to force children to adopt the principles is useless. This is not to say we should just wait for our children to figure out their own principles and decide whether or not to live by them. Parents are to be their children's guide and mentor, and should help them discover their principles. Principles can be adopted by everyone, but individual interpretations may differ.
Living by principles requires a constant mindfulness and critical assessment of individual situations as they arise, to discover which principles are applicable to the situation and to what extent. Simply overlaying a principle onto a situation without that careful consideration turns it back into a rule. It is the thought behind the principles that differentiate them from rules. For instance, if a principle is safety, that may or may not include holding hands in the street or staying close enough that the parent can grab the child.
Being forced to play an instrument can create an adult who does not even bother to own one of the instruments he knows how to play, because now the pressure is gone. When the children understand principles, they can sleep as long as they want, but set their alarms and get up; they have all kinds of clothes, but dress well and appropriately to the situation; they are not required to come home, but they DO come home.
Rules are things you get around by clever thinking. But who would want to "get around" a principle? If you stop believing in the principle, you might change it — but it is not something that you try to circumvent. Focusing on principles helps one behave appropriately. If one believes in kindness as a principle, then their reaction to a toddler tossing a piece of apple at them in a moment of anger is different than if the "rule" was "we do not throw things."
Principles also leave more room for children to learn to make choices. If the principle is stewardship (we try not to break things), then maybe children can roll a ball in the dining room - but not throw it, or throw it gently, or throw a softer ball, or throw a harder ball in a different room. They can decide what they feel like doing, within the constraint of not breaking the china or denting the teapots—rather than having a "rule" like "no throwing balls in the house" (which would prompt one's inner lawyer - and theirs) to argue over what is a "ball," or what is "throwing" — or what "is" "is."
Children may equate rules with slaves and slavery, so be wary of enforcing rules.
It is much safer and more realistic to live by principles (honesty, courtesy, respect, thoughtfulness...) demonstrated in your daily life, than to imagine a scenario which represents lack of principle and make a rule to prevent that scenario. That is totally backwards. Rules in the absence of principle are often irrelevant to children. Principles lived fully make rules unnecessary.
If the philosophy at your home is to treat all family members (including animals) the way that you would want to be treated, you will find this covers a multitude of areas such as property, feelings, privacy, etc. This is a good basic philosophy for all areas of life: marriage, parenting, employment, neighbors, friendships, even just driving down the road. Helping children grasp the concept of empathy far outweighs the benefits of rules.
Rules make children feel anxious and untrusted. If they are told they are good children, but have all kinds of rules imposed on them, it makes them feel as if their parents are lying. Principles, on the other hand, make sense, and make everyone feel safe, protected, and trusted - especially if you have very few rules, mostly about consideration and safety ("If you light a candle, it should be resting on something inflammable, like a saucer or candle holder," as opposed to "Do not light candles").
Children like making lots of rules for themselves, so we do not need to impose multiple rules.
For years, people have said children who do not have rules and limits are unhappy, but the truth is that if kids are given arbitrary rules, they feel untrusted. If we give children so many rules about sleeping, eating, behaving, and everything else, how will they ever learn to make their own decisions? How can parents expect their children to make good choices in life if they are constantly making rules that say clearly "Id do not trust you to make the right choice"?
If rules are defined as "I will not allow you..." statements, only two may be necessary: I will not allow you to hurt anyone and I will not allow you to destroy things (like walls, people's hard work, etc.).
If your child disagrees with something, discuss it. It is not spoiling the child - it is respecting them. If parents do not respect their children, their children are unlikely to respect them.
Principles demand careful thought and inquiry to establish and apply.
A question like "should I buy this, yes or no?" would involve explaining a principle, and as with all good answers, it needs to start with, "It depends." If we answer questions with "yes" and "no," and give people what they claim to want, or what they think they want, we are giving them fish instead of providing information on how to fish, how to make one's own fishing equipment and when and where the fishing is great. Real education is not a series of yes/no questions.
Another principles is helping people learn to find their own answers, which is vastly superior to distributing answers on demand. Those who volunteer their time and experience are not willing to hold other's hands for years or months. They want to empower others. Empowerment is a principle, not a rule. Learning to examine one's own life and needs and beliefs is necessary for real education to occur. When priorities and principles are coming clearer, such questions as whether or not to buy a particular game, tool, movie, food are EASY, simple, happy questions.
Without free choice, how can a person choose what is plain and good?
Real education begins with a choice between going to school or not. How many millions of people are never given that choice? Next is the choice between "doing school-work" or not. Sometimes parents who are new to real education are hoping that holding their breath and waiting might lead to children studying a curriculum, just as the mathematically-allegorical monkeys might type a book. In the success-bearing phase, parents stop looking for advancement in English history. The most peaceful families have loosed the ropes that held learning at the dock. They have developed faith in the idea that humans learn best in freedom.
Home-educating families with young children often fear for the neighbors to "test them" and find them wild or "behind." Home-educating families with older children politely try to hide their smugness at the positive responses of others to their older Children. How does that change come about?
There are traditional dialogs adults have with stranger-children. They ask what school they go to. They ask whether the child likes his teacher, and what his favorite subject is. Many times, they will not get past the first two questions, because if "I do not go to school" does not stump the interviewer, "I do not have a teacher" usually does. And so an adult who succeeds in having a conversation with an non-schooled child finds himself speaking with a person, not "a student" or "a child."
For some, this is their first real conversation with a person who is not yet an adult. Adults are often intrigued when they realize here is a child who has something to talk about and will confidently and guilelessly speak.
How does that confidence arise?
When parents trust a child's personhood, his intelligence, his instincts, and his potential to be mature and calm, real learning can occur. Take any of that away, and the child becomes smaller and powerless to some degree. Give them power and respect, and they become respected and powerful.
Is it just that simple? Can a parent just give a child power and respect? Can a parent give a child freedom?
With the freedom to choose what they eat, children bypass sweets more times than a parent could count, and eat hearty, real food. These choices start showing themselves before they are old enough to go to school, or not to go to school.
With the freedom to choose to stay up or to go to bed, toddlers sometimes ask to go to bed because they are tired, going to sleep smiling, and waking up happy. They had all the waking they wanted, and all the sleep they wanted, instead of feeling deprived of either.
If one is forced to eat healthful foods, is that good for nutrition? Discipline? Love? Respect? No, it is destructive for all of these. For many children, information is treated like cold pancakes. Skills are forced like too-warm milk. Neediness expresses itself differently with different kids. Abundance expresses itself similarly in all. Neediness creates various interpersonal problems, health difficulties, psychological stress, and sorrow. Chronic neediness becomes a vacuum that cannot be filled. Abundance in one person provides benefits for others. A child with all the trust he needs can trust others. A child with all the time he needs can share that time with others. One who has freedom will not begrudge freedom in others.
Most people have never known a kid who has experienced true abundance. Most have never met a child who had been given a full measure of respect, so that the child was respected and respectful. It is easy to respect someone who has that respect already, and who has so much that he can spread it around to others.
An abundance of love, confidence, time, and freedom will create a flow of respect from and toward a person.
[edit] Infants
It is important to realize that when an infant cries, they are verbalizing a need, usually related to survival - such as being close to a parent, eating, or crying due to pain. Never leave a baby to cry him/herself to sleep. This can ruin their trust in the parents/caregivers. If a baby cries when you put them down, pick them back up, and try lying on a bed next to them for a while or just holding them until they calm down. After about 2-5 minutes, put them in their crib in a sitting position and keep your arms in the crib with them for a while. When you lay them down, hold their hand or rub their tummy gently to reassure them. When you leave the room, wait for a while to ensure they are not crying.
Lullabies may not be what calms an infant. If the music calms the parent, it may do the same for the child.
See also: Mass Etiquette
[edit] Toddlers and Beyond
As the child becomes mobile, whether by walking or quick crawling, parents need to begin setting boundaries and limits. It is particularly important at this stage to dress the child in a manner fitting the occasion or location. At church, dress clothes are appropriate, as they give the child the impression that church is a place they should behave well. They should be taught to sit still, with hands on their lap, feet off the pew, standing and kneeling at appropriate times, and refraining from eating and drinking in the main church (take them out to eat in the vestibule, if necessary). While running errands, they can dress a bit more casually, but should still wear shoes instead of sandals. (To prevent child's shoes from becoming untied, wet the child’s shoelaces before tying them. This makes the dry knot tighter so you will have to tie them less often.) Keep emergency snacks and drinks in car/van to ensure child does not get cranky from having hunger pains or being thirsty.
Proper posture is very important, and should be worked on from an early age. Exercises such as walking from one room to another with a hardcover book on one's head or walking through the woods quietly may be helpful. To teach about proper sitting posture, use the analogy of a tower of blocks. When the spine is erect, all the blocks are stacked. If they slouch, the tower tumbles.
If the child has difficulty holding a pencil the standard way, have them try holding opposite sides of the pencil with their thumb and middle finger while resting their index finger on top.
Children are capable of more than most people may think. All they need is proper guidance, love, and encouragement to blossom exponentially. By observing children, it may be discovered that they find joy in learning, need independence, need to be respected and listened to, are interested in the difference between fact and fiction, and generally have some desire for a certain kind of order, which may vary from child to child.
When you say "no", and the child starts crying, hold them close, no matter how much they try to push you away. This can prevent future issues of feeling unloved.
Lullabies are not always what calms children. If the music makes you feel calm, it may do the same for them.
Some children have a keen sense of style and like it when their parents look good and dress well.
Children want to be able to do what their parents do. They also enjoy when their parents do activities with them, such as coloring, eating, playing games, and learning together.
Children at this age may seem attracted to the opposite gender. This is not necessarily a bad thing and should not necessarily be discouraged, but ensuring play remains positive is of great importance.
See also: Mass Etiquette
[edit] Adolescents
Solid moral character and good moral values should be established before a close relationship with a person of the opposite gender is pursued. When the title of a relationship changes from friends to girlfriend/boyfriend, the entire relationship changes.
[edit] Miscellaneous Tips
A support group of parents with the same values is an indispensable asset. It can increase a parent's confidence, but be careful not to give into any negative peer pressure from a support group.
Your time is your most valuable asset. Ensure your children get enough of it.
Take care of your body so you can take care of your children.
Sometimes, your needs must come before others' wants.
The foundation for communication has its beginnings in infancy.
Children want a peaceful home: no fighting, hitting, name-calling, labeling, or food stealing.
If you want children to learn to read and spell properly, ensure you are not reading misspelled and backwards words.
[edit] Education
Most learning occurs through observation and experimentation, making an environment that promotes learning better than an environment that enables teaching. Some items that may assist in creating an environment that promotes learning are:
- Educational coloring books, such as alphabet, numbers, foreign languages, math
- Educational books that have many colored pictures
- Child-size furniture (realistic, not disproportionate and fake-looking)
People learn particularly well and quickly when their subject of study is of great interest to them. In order to truly understand a subject, one usually has to be fully immersed in it, often to the exclusion of all other subjects. Therefore, unit studies are more effective than attempting to study a little bit of every subject every day. Some unit studies may only take a few days to a few weeks, but on average, they take a year or more. This is not due to the slowness of the individual, but rather the amount of information being processed.
With accelerated learning, learning usually takes less than half the time as a normal course. Furthermore, the learners perform better and the materials are easier to update.
[edit] Guidelines for Accelerated Learning
- Keep the threat low. Be positive, accepting, supportive, and encouraging, rather than trivializing the learners or being serious and overbearing. Help the learners eliminate or reduce fears, stresses, and learning barriers.
- Keep the energy high. Make learning fun by providing a natural, comfortable, and colorful environment.
- Trust the learner and the learning process. Accommodate different learning styles, speeds, and needs by providing a multidimensional approach to learning. Provide group-based learning. Present materials pictorially as well as verbally.
[edit] Learning Accelerators
- Positive suggestions
- Time to prepare the learner to learn
- Metaphor and mnemonic devices
- Relaxation exercises
- Mental imagery exercises
- Learning labs (multi-path, self-paced environments)
- Role plays, games, songs, and team projects
- Information graphs (mindmaps)
[edit] Hygiene
Children should be taught good hygiene mostly by example, but occasionally by word. Some habits should be eliminated, such as touching everyone else's food, and other habits should be formed, such as washing one's hands before handling food (including before meals).
[edit] Exercise
Children need plenty of exercise, preferably outside. Too little exercise can result in hyperactivity and other behavioral issues. Some children do better exercising with family as opposed to peers. For these children, family activities, such as hiking, biking, camping, and nature walks may be preferred.
[edit] Diet
Children need a sufficient amount of protein and Vitamin B 12 to concentrate and control their emotions. The best balance of proteins is found in meats and animal products. Vitamin B 12 can only be found in meat and animal products. Beans, lentils, and nuts can be used to supplement the primary sources of these nutrients, but should not be used to completely replace them.
Many modern foods have preservatives, additives, and artificial colors and flavors. Children may have sensitivities to these ingredients, which may cause hyperactivity or other behavioral issues.
[edit] Color
It has been found that colors can affect the mood and behavior of a child.
- Blue has relaxing, peaceful and calming qualities. It lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration. It has been shown to reduce aggressive behavior. It has also been shown to help people feel cooler in hot and humid environments. The most helpful shades of blue are natural ones, which can help relieve the pain of ulcers, back problems, insomnia, pain, rheumatism, and inflammatory disorders.
- Green also has a soothing and relaxing effect on the body and the mind. It can help nervous disorders, exhaustion, heart problems, and cancer. It can also help dieters.
- Violet creates a peaceful environment as well as suppressing the appetite and helping with scalp and kidney problems and migraine headaches.
- Red stimulates, excites, and warms the body. It increases the heart rate, brain activity, blood pressure, and respiration. Is is also helpful for anemia, bladder infections, and skin problems. People with high blood pressure or poor coordination should avoid wearing this color.
- Pink soothes the body by relaxing the muscles. It has been found to have a tranquilizing effect on aggressive and violent people. It helps with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms.
- Orange stimulates the appetite and reduces fatigue. It also helps when one is feeling tired or run down by lifting one's energy level. General weakness, allergies, and constipation may also be helped by this color. Orange tablecloths or place mats can help picky or ill eaters, but should be avoided if dieting.
- Yellow improves the memory, energizes, and helps relieve depression, muscle cramps, hypoglycemia, overactive thyroid, and gallstones. It raises blood pressure and increases the pulse rate, but to a lesser extent than red.
- Black is a power color, and gives one a feeling of strength and self-confidence as well as suppressing the appetite.
[edit] Food for Thought
It is better to be a child's mentor than a disciplinarian or friend. A mentor is one who has achieved self-mastery and is willing to impart that knowledge to others. They teach by example, and occasionally by word.
Children do not do as we say, but they will do as we do.
Children are given to us so we can learn where we need to improve. We must only be open to the lessons.
Most education occurs in the home.
Those who teach for their own gain do not teach the whole truth.
Knowledge is power.
Without self-control and compassion, knowledge and power are dangerous.
Children are highly sensitive to the tones people use. If there is the slightest amount of anger, frustration, or disrespect, children tend to manifest of magnify it.
What you tolerate is what you can expect.
We are to be raising adults, not children.
If you use the same methods as the schools, how can you expect different results?
See also:
Mass Etiquette
Self-Improvement
Developmental Milestones
Curriculum > Extracurricular Topics
